Maybe you had the idea of reasons why I left but you never knew, you never really knew.
I may trigger a lot of your past buries and you may blame me for that trials but know this,
between you and me, between us, you never really knew, and I never really knew.
We can draw multiple conclusions in our heads and still be faced with the sentence that it's just the faded memoire of what we used to know, what we believed as truth, as the truth of us.
But we never did.
You may witness us become the suspect of two world’s downfall collision and you may recognize the picture of us facing the image we painted in separation, who am I in you, and who are you in me.
We never get the chance to know one another,
I never got the chance to know you.
You never got the chance to know me.
And I’m curiously in wonder, who is that person in your head?
That says will hurt you?
That says will cause you in pain?
That says will do the same as the past person that did you?
That says will betray you?
That says will be the sponge of my swings?
I never even had the temper to push a person with my mood swings. Did I ever make that to you before?
Tell me, have you ever seen me in rage before?
You don’t even know the cries I had for you,
Yet, I never had the power to hold back the urge of showing how I care and no matter what, will choose to understand you.
Despite the distance of us, I am patient for you.
Because I know you had enough
and you deserve someone who will show you that you are taken cared for,
that someone and somebody cares and will care for you
Don’t turn your back from that.
Maybe I made you questioned things between us,
maybe this is familiar to you
or maybe this isn’t, is this ever foreign to you?
For me this is foreign, this is new and maybe you’ve seen this part before, ahead of what I’m seeing,
And despite the doubts I have, I still follow through, I sipped through the flow of emotions.
I still gave the try, despite the unfamiliarity, I did.
Listen, I may share this experience to someone’s ear, and I may hear their tales of how naïve I was but that won’t stop me, it won’t stop me,
Those voices are not enough to stop me from following the calls.
I can’t decline calls, even from yours.
Maybe this is new, maybe I don’t have the experience to be strong enough,
to be ready enough, to be enough to hold this feeling.
Is there even a need for that? Do I have to be ready for that?
Because all I knew from the very start is that I am ready enough, enough to weight any consequence behind these feelings,
It will be the pain, as much as how it will bring love, joy, and peace.
Nothing without any hint of yearn and pain, the thirst for the person to hold you,
the pain of waiting and the crave of love to be shared with you.
I did not hold back,
for every call you send, I give you the try’s and always catch them
I did not regret anything at all,
I did not regret giving you the affection,
my ears, my eyes, my attention and even the weak sides I had for you,
hoping you noticed that I, too, is in suffer.
I never knew I would feel the surge of negative emotions and fears choosing you.
I didn't even know its existence until you came and turned my all towards you.
You are my regrets and not so regrets for having you.
You did not show up,
all the glass I had for you shocked me to the edge,
I am caught from the created lens of you.
No more excuses for you, no more excuses,
You let yourself be drowned in your world of pride and masked the fears and foolishness you had inside.
And I am in damned down for having this, for letting this, for bracing this torn.
In this renowned lens, you will always be the murder living in the world of victims for love,
I can’t see you in light anymore nor I cannot paint you in light anymore,
I can’t, for seeing this tale, those trails, I can’t.
I know I am capable but casting it in is the betrayal I put myself in,
I can’t, I cannot lose my light anymore.
In this world of it is what it is, something has messed, never been meddled, never been paired with pairs.
You’re not here anymore,
or maybe you never really did.
Maybe you stayed because of the idea you had of me.
or maybe you only stayed because I am the closest convenient, safety, and opening that will patch the wound you had from past pain.
Maybe because of what I could offer, of what I could give
Maybe because I am little, this tiny tint inside your world.
But you’re not there, you never asked, you didn’t even wonder.
You’re not there when I need someone,
someone who listens, who assures, who cares, who never judges but is worried about my being.
but you never did.
Where are you?
Busy talking, busy looking, busy lurking, busy wandering, busy complaining,
and busy having bond time with others, that much, much that you haven’t made any checks on our side.
It's funny how easy for you to drop things around.
and then look for it as if it left you hanging.
Blame it for the sin of leaving you when you didn’t even hesitate a second in slipping them while wandering for something better.
You did not even bother to care for me at all.
It’s even funnier to think that for every doubt you plant in your idea of me,
I witnessed you doing the seed of me,
not even seeing, not even caring,
and be bothered by how sickly it will make me feel.
Planting, encouraging, and nurturing any doubts, fears, and insecurities I have.
Killing off the confidence and security I am rooting and investing between us, in us, for us.
Did you even listen?
Have you ever got the interest in the things I’m about to say?
Its sad, to see how much interest you have in meeting someone new,
wandering it may lead to something more, something like we have,
something you’re looking forward to spending your time with, like us.
It's sad, you never gave me the chance, you never gave this a chance,
you never opened, letting those ideas inside blocked me,
block the chances we had.
And I hate you forever with that.
Did you ever question?
Did you even wonder?
How am I on those days? On these days?
I don’t understand, is that really painful to drop your pride around?
Does that give you comfort and reassurance?
Does that give you the power to show you deserve more and don’t give a fuck to those who left you?
That you first left hanging?
Why does chasing you give you the price you were looking for?
I don’t understand you anymore,
or maybe I never really did at all.
Who am I to say that I always understand and care for you?
and who are you to say that I judged you badly?
I never did, cause I’m trying to know you,
I never did, because I chose you,
And I never did because I always side with you.
I never judged you because I don’t even know you.
But maybe, my last memory of you will be my impression of you.
What you did for me, what you did to me.
Nothing, but pain
I’m good with turning words of table, and I will take your promise in that form,
the love you always swore.
and I, never been mistaken of what am I going to receive from you,
I even doubted it before, hoping, and waited to somehow see that I’m wrong that maybe it’s not.
But it never did.
This feeling, the pain of ending the ‘we’ I never had,
I never had to,
I never really had to end things with.
Posted on @deintywoodtales (dada on tumblr)
Deinty Woodtales © Amanda A.M, 2022