How are you?
You know, I’m still wondering about your last moment.
I’m not present, I wasn’t there to witness it, to even see your face, your state, or to even ask how you are feeling.
I’m haunted everytime I remember our friend’s reaction.
How you said goodbye and how you assured them
I’m sorry, I’m saying them because I wasn’t in there
I know you wanted us to be completed, us, whole, no absentees.
And I still think you crave that for the last time.
And I wasn’t there.
I’m sorry.
You badly wanted us to be completed.
And I know you believed in us, your family.
We are a family to you right?
I confess, I am not present for you, you know that, but I still wanted to admit them myself.
I confess, I am blinded by my own sufferings to consider you.
I confess, I am thinking about that guy who put me in this state instead of thinking about your state.
I should have given you fruits, I should have taken it as an advice when I received that idea and I should have acted upon traveling there to see you, to visit you.
I am guilty and deeply sorry.
This letter has been made too late.
I’m sorry, I should have seen it coming if I’m just paying attention
All I had to do is to pay attention, but I failed you
From all the signs and changes visible in you and your body, I should have asked
I should have wandered about it, I should have weighed it through.
I should have overthink it, it’s what should be
We could have avoided it before.
Our age wasn’t easy at all, this phase is not easy.
But we should have known, I should have known
I’ve known it, I just don’t know
I’m sorry I don’t know.
I’ve seen it before; I just did not acknowledge it
I’ve seen it in you during highschool, there’s a nudge, this nudge.
I should have at least weighed it enough, at least acknowledged every idea
It’s been there all along
You are going through it all along from the very start.
It's not silent, you are not silent, not even silent at all.
It's too loud to be considered.
Like others, I chose to dismiss them and so I overlooked the following.
If I just acknowledged every detail, every idea, if I just acknowledged, we could have seen it, we could have avoided it.
I wonder if we made you feel lonely when we’re together in fun
My regret is the chance, the time I have seen you in person and the last time you saw me in person.
I didn’t know it would be the last.
But I should have considered you there because I don’t remember you being there, I don’t remember your presence there, I wasn’t paying, I didn’t look at you and even present at that moment at all.
I should have taken note of your state, of your new hair color
I should have but instead, I've been completely oblivious of your presence that I cannot remember any and forgot that you are there too.
I hope I didn’t made you insecure
I hope we didn’t made you insecure
I should have been more careful before
I tend to speak with no filters that may sound harsh to you
I hope I did not made you in pain
I hope I did not made you pushed
It's just me
I am at fault of this end too
We had taken your presence, no
I had taken your presence for granted
And we overlooked your sufferings
Thinking it will be okay, it would be just fine like how we treated you before.
Even before, we overlooked your pain.
Sorry for making you feel dismissed.
You are not a burden, nor a curse, we are just bunches of assholes to realize it.
You are vocal with it, almost honest and transparent to even blame
It's me, its us that chose to ignored it
I’m sorry.
You know what, I never felt your absence perhaps because I am so used to ignoring your presence and so never felt them at all.
Maybe you do, it's just me that is numb to feel.
I taken your presence for granted
I taken your existence for granted
I am not even aware of your efforts because I am taking it lightly
I should have given you a credit
I should have appreciated you even with no efforts
I did not see you, I chose to and I hate myself for it
I should have reminded you, your life wasn’t private at all, unlike me who acts like a ghost, without contacting you, I am still updated about your life.
And in making assumptions, I should have considered it
I should have at least considered it
Be paranoid with it for you
I should have at least beside you
I should have come, I should have been present at least for once for you
I should have heard your voice, seen your eyes for the last time
I should have seen what’s been waving in front
I should have at least made your wishes to us be true
I should have
I never knew, I have never seen it until its late, until it's no longer present
Little things made big changes
Little things call big changes
Little tiny things are visible, so loud yet not considered until it became big one, enough to be considered as a threat, enough to be considered but then, its late, too late
I learned this because of you.
I am wondering what you're feeling, what you're thinking as you reached for that pen just to send your last message across for us.
It haunts me every time I picture you forcing yourself to write a word, seeing you struggle, seeing your inability to do so, to even hold the pen tight and draw lines. What motivates you to do that? Just to say your last words, you still tried for us for the last time.
And it pains me
That I haven’t seen this in you before,
I haven’t considered this side of you before
Not until we are waiting for you
Not until we are waiting for you to fulfill our wishes
It pains me on what you can do for us
It pains me everytime you wanted to reach us
Just to reassure us to not worry about you anymore
And it haunts me.
The way you let go, the way you look.
It pains me.
I don’t know if I will ever forgive myself for this.
I don’t know if I will ever forget what I did to you.
I want you to know that
You are loved
You are special
I hope you forgive yourself.
I hope you don’t blame yourself.
I hope you are not ashamed of yourself.
I hope you accept him, you see him, you see his pain
I hope you are taking care of yourself; I hope you really do because this bothers me so much about you.
I hope you are putting yourself first
I hope you will forgive yourself
I hope you won’t hate yourself, no don’t.
I hope you see how amazing person you are even in your most painful state
I hope you do.
I’m sorry I let you down.
It’s okay if you will no longer see me as part of your family, it’s okay, I don’t blame you for it
At least it's best to know that you will hate me, even disappointed in me.
Wherever you are
I hope you are highly supported and deeply appreciated.
I hope you receive what you deserve, I hope you receive more of what you give.
Far beyond and better on how we and I treated your presence.
Different from that
I hope you are in peace.
I hope you do.
Posted on @deintywoodtales (dada on tumblr)
Deinty Woodtales © Amanda A.M, 2023