I want you to be happy.
Before, I thought of making you happy.
I love how you laugh, how you smile and joke around our classmates.
And you got me in your goddamn sense of giddiness.
I adore your energy so much that it reminds me of child beauty.
I admire you so much.
And I think this has got me in deep of wanting to be close to you.
I want to know you and hopefully be part of your world.
For every minute, I seek your attention even though I know it's no good for me.
Everything is not enough.
Every minute is not enough without the clear touch of you.
Who am I kidding? I don’t know any best at all, I don’t know what the best is. I am not a believer either.
Maybe, maybe this is just a fleeting moment of thrill.
Maybe I am drawn because I don’t know and it's too early to conclude.
I wanted to take my time, take them easy hoping you will too even though deep inside I am slowly crossing the line.
I take my time with an eagerness turned into whole days. Those days
Every day, I hope you will consider me.
I don’t know if you did but you approached and I got hopes for that.
These made me shy, so hideous and even suspiciously absent just to be present for you.
The great sin I had committed for you is to let myself see you and nothing else, only you.
Not me, not this gift, only you.
I mentioned that I tend to forget things, especially people from the past but I never confessed to you that it only began when I met you.
You became my new start; everything has been forgotten except you.
Today, you are now part of that past, but I can still picture our first meet up. How your stares made me feel the most infected on earth and I kept best at looking for air but you.
I remember the night we first hangout alone together.
That day did not fail to poke my insecurities and that day too did not falter to remind me of the moments you first initiated.
You made me cry in silence but then upon whisper I heard your slam and tact to find me, just like that you cracked me.
Just like that I let myself be closed to you and let myself be lifted by you.
For you, I never regret holding your hand throughout the day.
For you, I never regret looking at you.
I replaced your name to everything, and I remember the curse of seeing you everywhere.
Is it bad that you are all I can remember in every detail?
We haven’t spent much time, haven’t we?
Perhaps it's all in my head
I cannot blame you for not seeing this.
I am the worst at acknowledging what has been waving in front.
But I want you to know that my only regret… I never prepared myself for what I’m going to receive from you.
As much as I wanted to be selfish, it's not in my nature to steal your happiness. No, I don’t want to
Because despite the signs, my wishes for you will remain the same.
I know from the very start that it's nothing, it will be nothing.
I don’t blame you for anything.
I just believe that we do.
And tried.
Thank you for this, for this closure.
I had a lot of freeing.
Including you
I love you still.
Posted on @deintywoodtales (dada on tumblr)
Deinty Woodtales © Amanda A.M, 2023